he told me I talked like a deaf person
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
