I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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