I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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