Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Even my vagina gasped.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
