You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
