you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
