At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
