For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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