Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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