I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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