I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
did i walk over a car last night?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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