he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
