was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dear god my vagina.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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