My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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