im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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