Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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