I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
