No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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