Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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