If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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