I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
