I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
