I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
