did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
