last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize