You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
