SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
