lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
