I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
