I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
