went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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