Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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