Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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