Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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