I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
