Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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