I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
should my penis look like a turkey
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.