I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
