Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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