dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
