Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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