After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
