i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
