Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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