so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
