This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
