Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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