Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
