dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
