im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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