I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
