My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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