Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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