I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
