FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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