Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
