just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
