i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
